Interview with Hermes

God of Travelers, Thieves, Merchants, Orators, and Heraldry (He insisted on listing all his titles.)

Hermes sits with his legs crossed, dressed in a light pink t-shirt and pink satin jacket. The ensemble is balanced by a pair of black skinny jeans and white sneakers. He is unbelievably handsome, with golden curls, a beautiful smile, and dimples.

HERMES: “How do I look?” He straightens his collar and jacket.

INTERVIEWER: “Uh, great. You look great.”

HERMES: “Okay, but which side is my best side? He turns his head slightly to the right and dips his chin, a stray, golden curl falls into his honey-colored eyes. “Or this?” He moves slightly to the left.

INTERVIEWER: “Hermes…you do know this isn’t a…filmed interview?”

HERMES: “Just…answer the question!”

INTERVIEWER: “Um…the right?

HERMES: Hermes eyes flash, turning brassy “That was a trick question—you’re supposed to say both. Now I have to turn you into a tortoise.”

INTERVIEWER: Suppresses the urge to ask why he would choose a tortoise “But…if you turn me into a tortoise, there’s no interview.”

HERMES: Hermes purses his lips as if weight his options. Finally, his shoulders fall and he slumps in his chair. “Fine.”

INTERVIEWER: Clears throat Thank you so much for joining us today, Hermes.

HERMES: Still pouting, as if he regrets deciding against turning the interviewer into a tortoise “I guess.”

INTERVIEWER: Anyway. Would you say your primary role is Messenger of the Gods?

HERMES: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s my primary job.

INTERVIEWER: Is that because the gods use email and cell phones now?

HERMES: glares

INTERVIEWER: I mean clears throat What would you say is your primary job?

HERMES: Sniffs, lifting his chin Well, if you must know, I’ve become quite the confidant in recent weeks.


HERMES: It seems like every time I turn around some god is in need of my listening ear.

INTERVIEWER: So, you are the…God of Listening now?

HERMES: I’d much prefer God of Hearkening. It compliments my other titles.

INTERVIEWER: Of course. Um, who are you…hearkening to?

HERMES: Oh, everyone. Giggles I mean, just last week, Persephone confided in me that she had the best sex of her life with Hades. She doesn’t talk about that with just anyone.

INTERVIEWER: writes Persephone, best sex of life Can you tell me more?

HERMES: Oh girl. Let me tell you. Apparently, she was showering and who happens to show up? Hades. Just poof! He teleports and sticks his dick in her, shoves her against the tile wall and has his way with her. shakes head And I said. Sephy, that’s fucking hot. I mean. Isn’t that fucking hot?

INTERVIEWER: raises brows That’s pretty fucking hot and…uh, why did she decide to confide in you about this…particular…sex episode?

HERMES: Oh, she didn’t decide. She had no choice.

INTERVIEWER: I thought you said she confided in you about the best sex of her life?

HERMES: She did.

INTERVIEWER: Hermes, you do know what confide means, right? Someone chooses to divulge information because they want to?

HERMES: I KNOW WHAT CONFIDE MEANS. He tosses his hair. The curl remains in his eye We were playing truth or dare. She said truth, so I said, tell me about the best sex of your life and she confided in me about it.

INTERVIEWER: blinks Next question. What would you say is your biggest accomplishment to date?

HERMES: All of them.


HERMES: You don’t know my accomplishments?

INTERVIEWER: tries not to look as irritated as she feels because she doesn’t want to be a tortoise Just…give me an example of your…favorite accomplishment. Please.

HERMES: presses finger to his chin Hmm. Well, I stole Apollo’s cattle.

INTERVIEWER: You consider that an accomplishment?

HERMES: glares I was a baby. Did you steal cattle as a baby? I think not.

INTERVIEWER: Fair. Let’s see…oh, what’s the best thing about your life?

HERMES: Being me.

INTERVIEWER: And the worst thing?

HERMES: Looks pointedly at interviewer People who don’t appreciate me.

INTERVIEWER: What’s the most important thing in your life?

HERMES: My friends.

INTERVIEWER: And who would you say is your best friend?

HERMES: Oh, that’s easy. Sephy.

INTERVIEWER: Do you ever…I don’t know…fear losing someone close to you?

HERMES: looking very fierce, eyes almost aglow and his jaw tightens Yes.

INTERVIEWER: feeling very uncomfortable And, uh…who do you fear losing?

HERMES: Why are you asking? Are you threatening Sephy? Because if anything happens to her, Hades has said he will burn the world and I’ll help him torch it.

INTERVIEWER: I’m not threatening Persephone. I promise.

HERMES: Hermes eyes stop glowing and he smiles Oh, well then, good. What did you ask? What do I fear losing? I guess my sense of self, mostly. You know, with so many titles, it can be hard to find balance.

INTERVIEWER: has never wanted to facepalm so hard in her life Right. Okay. Let’s just move on to our rapid-fire round. skips a few questions and shuffles papers, clears throat Hermes, what is your favorite day of the week?

HERMES: Weekend.

INTERVIEWER: Hermes, ‘Weekend’ is not a day of the week.

HERMES: Yes, it is.


HERMES: I thought you said this was a rapid-fire round. I’ve done rapid fire rounds before and there is nothing rapid about this.

INTERVIEWER: Gets the feeling Hermes is NOT talking about the same kind of rapid-fire rounds
Cake or pie?

HERMES: Pie, duh.

INTERVIEWER: Favorite drink?

HERMES: Sex on the Beach. J/K…I just like having sex on the beach.

INTERVIEWER: stares, blinks a few times, and then returns gaze to the questions Uh…Love or Money?

HERMES: Money—I can buy love, honey.

INTERVIEWER: Piercings or tattoos?

HERMES: growls sensually Both.

INTERVIEWER: What is your favorite color?


INTERVIEWER: What do you start your day off with? Coffee or Tea? HERMES: Alcohol. Who drinks coffee or tea for breakfast?

INTERVIEWER: don’t say it…don’t say it… The world, Hermes. The whole world drinks coffee or tea for breakfast. If you drink alcohol, you’re most definitely an alcoholic.

HERMES: grinning Pot, meet kettle.

INTERVIEWER: That’s not… shakes head Nevermind. If you went out with Sephy and lost her, who would you fear telling more? Demeter or Hades?

HERMES: Hades. He would cut off my balls and feed them to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind balls…but I’d rather not eat my own.

INTERVIEWER: And I’m done.

HERMES: But wait—are you sure? This was fun.

INTERVIEWER: Gets up from chair Yep. Yes, Hermes. I’m done.

HERMES: I can answer more questions.

INTERVIEWER: That’s okay. I’ve got everything I need.

HERMES: Maybe we can do a part two? INTERVIEWER: We’ll call you. Don’t call us!

HERMES: sits back in his chair, smiling I think that went well.